when I'm tired at night

"I hate it when they say, I'm aging gracefully. I fight it every day...I guess they just can't see. I don't like this at all, what's happening to me..." Matraca Berg, speaking for every and any woman of a wide range of ages. I read this lyric years ago in the Wall Street Journal in a review of Matraca Berg's second and final, I guess, CD. Her first 'Lying to the Moon' is one I picked up later, used, at a Hastings store. Matraca Berg isn't a household name, but her signature song writing voice is obvious in many a tune recorded by better known names. I don't remember whether it was a man or a woman who penned the review, but I thought the choice of song and lyrics to highlight was odd at the time. I have always thought the song poignant, but now it is downright timely.

The other morning, I could hardly stand as I got out of bed...this following a restless night with one low level ache after another. I remember this phase from last spring and the panic it caused me: what if this is how it is going to be for the next two months? What if I don't loosen up? I had a dread I associated with a worn out nag heading to pasture or Percy worrying about the scrap yard.

Fortunately, the next day the aches subsided, just as last year whatever joints and muscles needed to tighten or loosen finally got their acts in sync. But time is not on our side and one of these days....

One of these days, what? I spend a certain amount of time thinking about what on earth I should accomplish when I am no longer "working". I like what I do, but it is highly dependent on ups, downs, and sideways. And memory!! Worse than a concern about joints is the nagging worry that those synapses won't connect and tell me what, where, when and how much.

Don't misunderstand me...I have a list of achievable and necessary projects; I also have a bucket list, mostly of things I still want to learn to do, or have neglected to practice and improve upon. But will these rise to a level of a profession? For a person who has survived all these years after college, and goal setting, and long term plan making, without really doing any of the above? My husband thinks all this is silliness personified and I know his usual good sense should prevail on this topic. He has all the evidence on his side; I barely finish the cleaning each week and that would be a start. I don't finish all my magazines or books either. I don't study my Bible as I should, though I work hard to pray through the day as Jesus taught.

Last time Lizzie was here, she helped me make a coffeecake. Aaron has practically been brought up helping me make bread for the bread machine. Lee tells me that Gabe saw the cooking oil and told her Grandma uses it for apple bread. Then he demonstrated how we stir. Abbie counted the petals on the Ball plant box from one to five.

We are blessed with our multi generation family near and dear. My mother taught by example and mere existence. My father, always a rather awe inspiring figure to me, has always been a terrific teacher, full of pithy examples and illustrations about nearly every subject. Maybe that should be my goal; to take as much time as my patience will allow, and answer every question the little children ask. It couldn't hurt any of us.....